Okay…so maybe I haven’t actually solved Google’s algorithm, and I just titled this blog to get your attention…or make you believe I was an expert in SEO. Whatever. But somehow, I have become the #1 search result on Google when you type “hilarious quip” (without the quotations).
Seriously. Try it. My site is the first one to come up. For some reason you have to type it without quotations though. When you type it with quotations, I’m only ranked eighth in the world–which is still pretty good…but not as good as 1st, which gives me the right to wear a neon orange mesh hat that reads, “Champion of the Internet.”
Brian Laesch is the author of many books and one that was actually written.
I feel sorry for you if you missed this live on TNT last night. It made staying up for the end of the Lakers game worth it.
It may not be as funny on YouTube, but seeing it live, with Kobe Bryant actually watching it as well, was probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. I literally jumped out of my seat and couldn’t stop laughing for a good 5 minutes. I laughed so hard that I started coughing and then proceeded to cough for another 20 minutes after that. Personally, I want to give Inside the NBA–with Ernie, Kenny and Charles–an Emmy right now.
I spent 3 years (maybe more like 1 1/2 to 2 good years) of my life in Hollywood going to commercial auditions once or twice a week (if that), while working nights in a tape vault at a post house in Burbank. I had a commercial agent who barely knew me. I didn’t network well at all. I never even booked a commercial, or had a callback. And in hindsight, I barely cared. I’m not really sure how I got to that point in my life, but it was a time in my life that I tried my best, but just wasn’t putting my efforts into something I was really passionate about. I think the boiling point for me was when I went to an audition for a Rally’s commercial one day and there was another audition being held next door, looking for 40-50 year old “Dad” types. I looked at these people and just thought to myself, “Wow, are they really making a living like this? Do they have families at home? What is their story?” I realized at that exact moment that I wanted no part of this lifestyle, and definitely did not want to someday be in the same position as these older actors, still trying to get a break. I was absolutely terrifired at the thought. (And I mean absolutely no disrespect by this. It just wasn’t for me.) So what did I do? I let this fear (and anger) fuel me. I wrote a book based on the whole experience, and luckily, New Line Cinema came calling (thanks to major help from a friend) and I got the hell out of the tape vault and back to normal hours. I still consider myself on the road to “recovery,” but I know I’m on the right track. I definitely don’t regret my attempt to act, and I’ll never say I’m giving it up, but I’m glad I’m out of that situation.
That all being said, I still ended up in a “commercial” anyway. Well, not really…but how else am I going to tie this whole random blog together? (I went off on a completely unexpected tangent there to start this thing off.)
This is the first “commercial” that I have ever “booked” (excluding the Laesch Dairy commercials I starred in as a kid). The tone of this blog does not match the tone of this video at all, but hey, I guess that’s just the way it goes with a Brian Laesch joint sometimes. Much like FG (a reference so cliche that I’m only typing the initials), you never know what you’re gonna get.
So here it is: my commercial debut (without residuals). And oh yeah…I wrote it too. It’s a simple viral video that we are using at my work to promote a new Facebook application we (FanRocket) developed, called “VooZoo.” You can use it to share classic Paramount film clips with friends on Facebook.
Get ready for some sick acting chops, bro…
Brian Laesch is the first official book writer to be signed by The Roc.
Try saying that 5 times fast (What am I? A slightly humorous 3rd grade teacher?).
Anyway, I just had to post this, because this, my friends, is the first official photo of my book that somebody has taken and sent to me. I couldn’t believe it when this was posted on my Facebook page the other day, but here it is: a shot of my book, on a shelf, with other books around it. It almost looks like it belongs, doesn’t it? Damn it feels good to be an author…
I’ll let you make your own comments about my book’s neighbors on the shelf there…
You are going to want this book for summertime at the pool or beach. You can read it sober, or drunk, and get two completely different experiences! Coincidentally, that’s also how hanging out with me is! So check it out today! It’s fucking hilarious! It’s Brian Laesch brand stupid humor, mixed with a dark streak. Cool! But don’t take my word for it. Check out what others are saying! Excitement!
“The Verge of Psychosis changed my life. Before I read it, I would smoke weed and believe I was going to become a big time filmmaker someday. Now, I just smoke weed.”
-Johnny Pendegraph, Bartender at Les Deux
“TVOP:AAJ totally changed the way I think about satire, and books, and Hollywood, and grammar. After I read it, I realized that Brian Laesch’s goal was to write whatever the fuck he wanted. It worked!”
-Sally Hotness, Playboy TV Production Coordinator
“Brian Laesch really knows how to write stupid shit that will make you LOL. I LOLed at least 3 times during the first journal entry alone! LOL!”
-Some kid from Mississippi
See, folks? I’m not the only one who has read my book. Check it out today!
Looking for a cool new app on Facebook that will let you post actual movie clips legally on your Facebook profile, or on a friend’s wall? Sure, we all do. But what if I told you that now, you can!? You’d be excited? You’d be drunk with enthusiasm? That’s kind of a weird way to describe the feeling of finding out about a new Facebook application, but you said it, so that’s all you, I guess. Well, my friend, if that’s truly the case, you need to check out VooZoo. VooZoo has an exclusive deal with Paramount that will allow you to view clips of classic Paramount films such as South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, Zoolander, and even Chinatown. And, post them all over FB.
So go here now, login to your Facebook account and add VooZoo (also affectionately referred to as the “Flying Purple V”…but only by me…and only in this blog). Things are just getting started. The amount of clips in the vault is growing rapidly. And it’s a lot cooler than those random $1 fake gifts. (What’s up with those things anyway?)
Brian Laesch is a professional journalist who only writes on his blog because his quote is too high. Coming out of school, he was trying to be the Lebron James of journalism, but Nike would not give him a typewriter deal worth anywhere near $100 Million, or at all.
Arizona State got screwed by the NCAA tournament selection committee. My beloved Sun Devils–a team that beat Xavier, Stanford, USC, and Arizona (twice)–were left out of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament by the selection committee. Yet, the Arizona Wildcats and the Oregon Ducklings, who both finished below the Sun Devils in both conference and overall record, were invited. ASU finished 5th in the extremely competitive Pac-10 Conference this season. Six teams from the conference made it into the tournament and ASU was not one of them. Are. You. Kidding. Me?
I could go on and on about the Sun Devils impressive resume, the fact that Dick Vitale and Bob Knight agree the Sun Devils got a raw deal, and the fact that pretty much everybody at ESPN is crying foul (except for Joe Lunardi, who basically couldn’t wait to start his campaging against the Sun Devil’s, saying their bubble had burst the minute there was one upset in a conference tournament, and before ASU had even been screwed over against USC in the conference tournament), but I won’t do that. Too many bloggers just rehash information they read somewhere else. And even though I just kind of did that, I won’t…from this point forward.
As you can tell, I was not in a great mood when I filled out my brackets this season. I guess there’s always next year though, right? Maybe the selection committee was still upset about “Hedake” Smith…or maybe they were just mad because it was cold in Indianapolis at the time, and a school with a warm climate, and many hot women, shouldn’t get rewarded any further. Lord knows my own work resume has been perused by haters. Damn, I’m sorry I had fun in college, potential employers and/or NCAA Tournament Selection Committee. Oh well…
Go Arizona State Snub Devils!
Brian Laesch is basically a professional sports writer who has never been published.
your Facebook profile, or on a friend’s wall? Sure, we all do. But what if I told you that now, you can!? You’d be excited? You’d be drunk with enthusiasm? That’s kind of a weird way to describe the feeling of finding out about a new Facebook application, but you said it, so that’s all you, I guess. Well, my friend, if that’s truly the case, you need to check out 
